Monday, 15 June 2009

Talk to the dog

Since the beginning of the year, the local estate has been patrolled by security guards from Force 1 Security. Their purpose: to stop squatters breaking into new places.

A very specific purpose, that. So watertight that it means that when junkies lurk in the stairwell or attempt to steal waterpipes -- so-called security DO NOTHING.

And when they do do something vis a vis their role on the estate, they're a bit slow getting to it. Hiring bulky Polish guys to run after squatters or step to it with break-ins just doesn't work. But then, whose ever heard of a lithe security guard anyway?

When not limping into action, the guards indulge in the following:
* Sit in their cars all day whilst parked in various lots on the estate. Sometimes they'll park their cars together, like a mini auto-meet.

* Allow their guard dog a very brief respite from being cooped up in the car pen. Yes, their dogs were left in their cars during the recent London heatwave.

Their lack of dog training has meant that guards frequently drag their dogs by the lead, as witnessed by many squatters; one incident reportedly saw a guard force his dog to walk over broken glass! Said dogs aren't really guard dogs either, just playful German shepherds happy to catch sticks and enjoy the breeze. Hired no doubt because they look like mean dogs.

* Sometimes pair the dogs off with each other in a kind of manly "my dog growls louder than yours" type stand-off battle. Probably good for guard manhood or something.

* Test the limits of their personal carbon footprint. ie, park in the parking lot, then drive out. Then reverse park back in. Then drive out, go around the block. Return, park. Drive out. Etc.

* And occasionally look mean, with their jackboots and muzzled canines.
Wow, we feel secure.